Delccordion
A Delccordion is any of a series of musical instruments similar and superior to the accordion, and comprised of a raft, shaft, and aft. These are played usually by applying a ridiculous amount of pressure to the raft, compressing the shaft and kicking the aft's ass to make some sort of atrocious racket. Their sounds range from a heavenly prelude to a satanic symphony of destruction.
Delccordions in general became popular in the year 2007 and have found their way into every crack and crevice of popular music ever since. Their popularity is not expected to die down for the next thousand years.
Contents
Types of Delccordions
Capital Delccordion
A Capital Delccordion's raft is Delmore's hat, while the aft is his head. The shaft is nothing in particular but may be assumed to be Delmore's hair.
This type of Delccordion is played by applying and releasing pressure to the top of the raft, while pinching the ears of the aft at different areas and combinations to make different tones. This Delccordion sounds similar to a cat being neutered. Its range is from the sixth octave to the sixteenth octave, although this causes most of its notes to be too high for humans to hear.
Capital Delccordions played a key role in the War of 20X12, where their earsplitting racket deafened enemy soldiers and allowed the Delmorians, wearing fluffy pink earmuffs, to approach them unheard. The Delmorians then silently, or perhaps not so silently -- hard to tell, assassinated their leader. The war later ended as the Loseer begged for a peace conference, and the war ended without any further bloodshed. The leader's body became a Looseccordion, but they lost popularity too quickly for any recognition.
As the war died down after the peace talks, Capital Delccordions soared in popularity in Delmoria, but not in Losee, where they were determined to be crafted by the devil. Capital Delccordions were then gathered and burned by churches like Harry Potter books, but some were secretly smuggled into the country and used to set off alarms as distractions for robbing banks and stuff. At this stage of the proceedings, the Loseer government banned Delccordions, but nobody gave a damn and continued to smuggle them in anyway.
Grumpy Delccordion
A Grumpy Delccordion's raft is Delmore's entire head, while his body composes the shaft and his legs are the aft. Grumpy Delccordions are so named for their frustration as they topple over sideways from their ridiculous shape.
This type of Delccordion is played by lifting Delmore at either end and smashing his head and legs into each other over and over. After a period of playing, the Delccordion's music becomes toneless and wheezy, and it must be allowed to rest, unless played very slowly, in which case he falls asleep and stops playing. These Delccordions are somewhat larger and have much lower notes than other Delccordions. They are therefore often used in place of Satanic choirs, where their effect can be most appreciated.
They also go well in demonic polkas.
Octavius Delccordion
An Octavius Delccordion in unique in that is hosts four shafts connected by four rafts which are all connected to the single aft, which is Delmore's back. The shaft and rafts, made of synthetic materials, must be pressed against the aft as with other Delccordion's, each creating a unique tone. The end result is that only 4 types of sounds can be played, and it is very difficult to play in coordination.
For these reasons, the Octavius Delccordion is more popular for showcasing than for playing. Many coffee shops have them located in the corner, as well as diehard Delccordion fans.
Del-Rol-Le Delccordion
Del-Rol-Le Delccordions have Delmore's head as the shaft and body as the raft just like a Grumpy Delccordion, but a tail as the aft instead of legs. This rare Delccordion weighs around 300 tons and eats all musicians who are foolish enough to try and play the beast. Legend has it that the only thing that is capable of working the Del-Rol-Le Delccordion is the ocean with it's mighty waves.
In the last decade, it has become more popular to fight the Del-Rol-Le. Many form groups and where weird space clothes, then head off on a single raft into the dank sewers where Del-Rol-Le's like to sleep. Members with projectiles like magic and fire arms are able to hit Del-Rol-Le's from afar, while sword users have to wait until the Del-Rol-Le dives onto the raft. There are concerns as to whether the event of hunting Del-Rol-Le's should be allowed, but it is generally agreed that it gives good items and meseta.
Armus Delccordion
Known the be the most peaceful of Delccordions, the rare Armus Delccordion has no arms, but rather with the shaft at the shoulders and the aft at the hands. The Armus Delccordion has a very strange and large fear of water. Though very difficult to play, almost matching the difficulty of an Octavius Delccordion, there are a few tricks to it. One is to force the Armus onto a set of monkey bars that is over some sort of hazard, such as a bed of spikes or water. Then, either use some sort of loud noise to spook the Dellcordion into moving along the monkey bars, or put some sort of reward at the end. The result is very pieceful, almost soothing music.
Phallic Delccordion
The Phallic Delccordion is one of the lesser known Delccordions, most likely because of the placement of shaft and aft. The shaft is placed at the groin area, with the aft being somewhat outward. Phallic Delccordions tend to be somewhat hostile towards other Delccordions, but may be peaceful around people. Public performances of the Phallic Delccordion are illegal except in the Netherlands.
Famous Delccordion Songs
Delccordions can be heard in songs such as:
- When the moon hits your eye performed by Hatman
- What the #&!@ is This by Draco Icebane
- I Don't Know, Don't Ask Me by Hanyou
- Kfajdghauaejkrhndfnxcbxlb (isdjgaljfgiafdjih remix) by Delmore
- Let's all talk about me and why I am so great by MikeL
- All Butt, No Face by 50 Cent
- N00b's Rhapsody by MegaTailzChao
Delccordion Care
Owners of a Delccordion must take good care of it, in order to keep it in tune.
- Every day, the owner must:
- Brush a Capital Delccordion's teeth and wash its mouth with Delmorine (preferably the Apple Mango flavored one)
- Allow any Delccordion to use the restroom several times a day
- Allow a Capital Delccordion only fresh plants and liquids, and no liquidised meat. Other Delccordions can eat anything, including steel. All Delccordions require three meals a day
- The owner must never under any circumstances send their Delccordion down the stairs like a slinky.
- If the Delccordion becomes torn, a few magic stitches will repair any injuries up to but not including death.
- Dead Delccordions should be recycled.
- The owner is not advised to feed the Delccordion after midnight.
- It is strongly advised you keep your Delccordion locked away in a dark secured room (like a basement or closet) on the third Wednesday of every other October because it is at this time a handful of Delccordions will suddenly have an urge to beat the hell out of anyone who says the word “podium”.
